Kory sat uncomfortably in the wooden pews, far too early in the morning, listening to a man speak on the unholiness that was gay marriage. Most of Europe had legalized gay marriage, and this man, Father Anthony, could not express how upset he was at that fact. His voice reminded Kory of a drill sergeant rallying his troops, brandishing his bible like an M-16. Kory sat silently, running her slender fingers through the end of her tangled black locks as she felt a hand on her shoulder.
“Enjoying the sermon?” Father Abrahms asked with a frail smile that wrinkled his face but didn’t touch his eyes.
“Not in any sense of the word,” said Kory, looking around the pews at the people intently listening to Father Anthony’s alleged words of wisdom. “These people actually get off on this, don’t they?” Several of the people around her turned their heads at her words, and she felt their judgmental eyes piercing her back as she stood up.
“Would you like to speak someplace else, dear?”
“Yes please, I’m underdressed for this shit anyways.”
Kory followed Father Abrahms out of the chapel and through the massive wooden doors of the church. The two sat on a bench just outside the church’s gardens and the Father pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He offered one to Kory, which she took and lit off of the Father’s ancient-looking steel lighter. Neither of them said anything as they smoked for a few minutes.
“I told her,” Kory finally said as she exhaled a plume of smoke, “I told her that I loved her and then I kissed her.”
“How did she take it? The confession, I mean.”
“I didn’t really give her time to respond before I kissed her.” Kory ashed the cigarette onto the pavement and watched the wind sweep it away, leaving no trace of its existence, briefly bringing Kory’s mind back to her grandmother.
Father Abrahms followed her eyes to the ashes as they danced away in the wind. “Well what she says isn’t the only way she can respond to such a heavy statement. How did she look? Where was she looking? Tell me about that.”
“She looked uncomfortable at first, and I could feel her tensing up. She was lying on my lap when I said it, so I wasn’t really looking at her eyes, but when she sat up she didn’t look too upset or anything. She looked into my eyes and her eyes looked happy, not uncomfortable like she started out.”
“Thats good, Kory. I’m really happy for you.” He stopped to take a drag from his cigarette and make one of his famous pauses, and turned to look Kory in the eyes. “Tell me about the kiss.”
“You sound like a perv.” Kory smiled at him, and he returned the smile, this time it reached his eyes. “It was better than I ever dreamed it could be. I mean, it started out kinda awkward and one-sided. I think I surprised her. But after that she started kissing me back.”
“You talked about it all afterwards, yeah?”
“Yes,” Kory said in a breath of smoke. The frigid air made it hard to tell when the smoke ended and her breath began. “Mostly about stuff we already knew, but she decided she wanted to let her feelings for me grow in the presence of a relationship.” She stopped and smiled. “She slept in my bed last night.”
“Is she still there?” said Father Abrahms in an alarmed tone. “It’s hardly eight in the morning, don’t tell me you just left her alone in your flat.”
“No no. She went to church and then went home to get clothes and sort some things out for a party that we’re going to tonight.”
“Good.” He snuffed out his cigarette on the ground and flicked it into the street. “I’m very happy for you Kory, I really am. Sadly, though, I have to get back to work.” The two stood in unison and shook hands, which Kory felt was too formal of a departure considering the embrace they shared the last time. “It is always good talking to you dear. Enjoy your party tonight.”
“You too, Father.” Kory paused, embarrassed. “I mean, not the party. Enjoy your night.”
“That’s too bad, I thought that was an invitation!” With that, the Father went inside leaving Kory in the cold with the last few drags of her cigarette. The wind had stopped blowing, but for some reason Kory was chilled far more than before.
“Baby, come on!” Michelle yelled through the bathroom door, “We’re going to be late! How long does it take to put on make-up?”
“Calm down M! I’m done now. I don’t put on make-up very often, so I’m not as fast as you are!” Kory opened the door and looked at Michelle, who was wearing a blue dress with one strap that flowed down to her mid-calf. The dress hugged her form, but was not overly tight. Kory smiled. “How do I look?” she asked.
“You look beautiful,” Michelle said, kissing Kory deeply on the lips, “but we are actually going to be late and my potential boss will be there and I can’t give off the wrong impression so let’s go!” Kory laughed at her rambling as Michelle took her hand and pulled her out of the apartment and into her car. Michelle drove uncomfortably fast, but her hand was still knotted with Kory’s, so Kory didn’t mind.
As they pulled into a parking spot outside the party, Michelle let go of Kory’s hand and picked up her purse instead. Kory followed suit and exited the car, but only wanted to feel the warmth of their hands together again. As they entered the house, though it was more of a mansion, Kory stared in awe at the grandeur that was the entry room, which may have been larger than Kory’s entire flat. Once the two women found their way through to the center of the party, Michelle was bombarded by her friends and potential colleagues, and Kory stood awkwardly out of the way, pressing her fingernails into the seams of her handbag. A familiar young man in a tuxedo without the jacket walked by carrying a tray of drinks, and Kory grabbed one hastily, looking for some liquid courage for the social night ahead of her.
“Kory? Kory, I didn’t expect to see you here!” the familiar man with the tray said.
“Oh, Chris!” Kory feigned enthusiasm, though she was happy to see a familiar face, “No bus driving tonight?”
“No ma’am! My uncle needed some help with his little party so I told him I would work for him.”
“Little party? This is massive, Chris.” Kory took a sip of her drink and was startled to taste only apple juice.
“All of the drinks are non-alcoholic,” Chris explained, in response to the obvious confusion on her face. “My uncle’s boss is a recovering alcoholic. But you didn’t hear that from me.” Chris leaned in and kissed her politely on the cheek, “I’ve got to get back to serving these wankers some apple juice.” He winked at her jokingly. “Have a great time. It was lovely seeing you.”
“Bye Chris,” Kory said, and returned to standing aimlessly holding her drink in one hand and her bag in the other. All she could think of was how she could convince Michelle to let them leave before the crowd made Kory suffocate.
“...and this is Kory!” Michelle turned the attention of several of her flock to Kory, whose face immediately matched the bright red dress she was wearing. At least Michelle is here, she thought, trying to calm herself down, You can handle whatever crowd comes your way as long as she is there to take your hand. “I met Kory my first year in college! Sorry, ‘university.’” Michelle made air quotes with her slender, manicured fingers. “I always forget that college is a different thing here. Anyways, Kory and I were roommates in our first year and since we had the same major we ended up staying friends for the rest of our school years! I really couldn’t ask for a better friend. You know, I should really introduce her to….”
Kory tuned her voice out as she felt something clench in the pit of her stomach.
Friend? The word echoed in her mind. Friend? Michelle… is that all you see me as? Kory felt dizzy. Michelle wouldn’t be taking her hand at all tonight, not in front of these people. Suddenly the crowd around her felt overwhelming, like walls that were closing in on her. Kory stumbled towards the door, but bumped her shoulder into a girl wearing an identical uniform as Chris was. The impact caused the girl to drop her tray, which was luckily empty, but the girl swore at Kory under her breath. Kory apologized, but felt like a ship bashing against the rocks at shore, its anchor lost into the sea.
Finally, Kory made it outside into the crisp evening air. The cold bit into her exposed skin and made her feel naked. Why are you wearing such revealing clothing? She asked herself, half expecting an answer from somewhere in the recesses of her mind.
Come on Kory! A voice replied, Go back in there and show them that a little crowd can’t stop us! Kory knew that voice. It was her own voice, but just a touch more confident.
Lucy?
Yeah! Lucy confirmed. Now get back in there!
I can’t. I came because Michelle wanted me to, but she doesn’t even want me anymore. I can’t breathe in there. I can’t go back in. I can’t… I… Kory closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Good, she thought, I can breath out here. Ooh, that feels so good. In and out. In and out. I can handle this. This is a-okay. The world is going to stop spinning soon and I can stand up and find a bus home. Any second...
Kory! Lucy pulled her back into the vertigo, and a wave of nausea hit her, Don’t you think about going home!
Stop! Kory yelled in her mind. She pressed her hands against the sides of her head, Stop talking to me!
Kory!
Stop!
“Kory!”
No!
“Kory, are you okay?” She opened her eyes and saw Chris crouched down beside her, using his tray to balance his weight. The metallic tray reflected the headlights from a car passing by and shined it directly into Kory’s eyes. The sudden flash of light tipped Kory’s nausea over the edge and she collapsed to her side, spitting sick on the ground. “I’ll take that as a ‘no,’” Chris said as he rubbed her back and held her hair away from her face. “Why don’t I call you a taxi? You can go home and get some rest.”
“Where’s Michelle?” said Kory in between heaves.
“The American? She went into a meeting with my uncle’s boss. A sort of impromptu job interview. Why, was she your ride?”
Friend?
“No, well… yes she drove me here, but she’s my…” She stopped, the word friend still echoing in her mind, “she’s my friend.”
“I’ll let her know you weren’t feeling well and you went back to your flat, yeah?” Chris was still rubbing her back, making her feel comforted. He was a good friend.
Once Kory had stopped throwing up, Chris stood and called her a taxi. “Did you eat something bad?” Chris asked as they waited.
“No…” Kory almost inaudibly whispered, “it wasn’t that. I don’t do crowds very well, and it just got to be too much.” She didn’t feel like telling him about Michelle; she didn’t want to open up to him like that.
Friend?
Chris was a good friend, but Kory still didn’t know how genuine he was. A short while later, the taxi arrived and Kory climbed in as Chris handed the driver a few pounds to take her home. He kissed her again on the cheek, made sure she was buckled in, and shut the door.
The taxi ride passed by without a word said other than the location of her complex. When she arrived, Kory had began to feel much better, physically. Her mind was still reeling from Michelle’s words. They had been together for just over a week, ever since that first kiss, and she had seemed so happy with Kory. The night before, Michelle had passionately decided to not go back to her own flat, and instead she stayed with Kory in her bed. They made love for the first time that night.
Friend?
Kory took a long shower to wash off the night. She hoped that maybe the memories would wash away too, but they remained present in her mind. Kory put on some pajamas, put her hair up, and took out her notebook and pen. She looked at the most recent entry, one that she had written that very morning.
‘We made love last night for the first time. I showed my soul and she showed hers and they met with the such pleasure I wanted it to last forever. Sleep came easy to me, knowing she was beside me. Her presence makes me feel like nothing will ever happen to me. She rushed off to church this morning and told me she needed to sort some things out for some business party later today, but she would come back with some clothes. She means to stay here again tonight. I’m going to see Father Abrahms at his church. I feel like he deserves to know about us. --March 4th 2012.’
Kory read it over and over until she finally decided to shut the notebook without writing anything new, and she wandered into her bedroom to put the notebook away. She slid the notebook in between two others, one filled and the other empty, and she turned and faced the bed where she had the best night of her life. The sheets were a dark red and the pillows were black (the combination made her think of luxury) and a blonde hair rested peacefully on one of the pillows, wildly contrasting with the dark colors. Kory crawled on top of the unmade bed and rested her head where Michelle had the previous night. The smell was still strong enough to lure Kory into sleep.
Friend?
Kory awoke to the sound of keys jingling through the front door.
“Baby?” Michelle called into the flat, “Are you in bed already? I wanted to ask how you were feeling.” She walked into the bedroom and found Kory sitting on the edge of her bed looking at the wall. “Oh you’re awake. Are you feeling better?”
Friend?
“Friend?” Kory spat as she turned to face her lover, “Is that all I am to you? Has the past week meant nothing?”
“What are you talking about, Kor?”
“‘Oh, and this is Kory,’” Kory imitated, “‘We’re just friends. She doesn’t matter that much.” She stood and walked out of the room, her shoulder barely brushing past Michelle’s.
“Kory!” Michelle yelled as she followed Kory into the kitchen. “Is that why you left? Because I said you were the best friend I could have ever hoped for?” Kory ignored her. “I said that because you are! They say that the person you love should also be your best friend.”
“But that’s not all I am to you! You could have introduced me with your hand in mine and said ‘this is my girlfriend, Kory,’ but you didn’t. Because of that, I had an anxiety attack and got sick in front of a fucking mansion! They must think the worst of me now!”
“You had an attack?” There was genuine concern in her voice. “Why didn’t you call me or send me a text? I would have been there for you.”
“Chris was there for me. One of the servers sat down with me and held my hair and rubbed my back while I threw up.” She looked at Michelle, who was no longer in her high heel shoes and whose hair was tied up, no longer in blonde waves that previously cascaded down her shoulders. She was the most beautiful when she thought she was the least. Kory was still so angry, but her anger couldn’t do much, not while she looked upon the face of heaven. Kory was crying, but not visibly. She had silent tears falling down her face. “All because you couldn't call me what I am.” Michelle took Kory in her arms and held her as she started to sob. “I love you Michelle, and that made me feel like I’m still just your friend.”
“Kory, no.” Michelle looked into Kory’s eyes and brushed away her tears. “I introduced you as my friend as a precaution. I need to get a job with these people and my window was closing, but I didn’t want to lose that opportunity just because one of the people in charge is against gays. Otherwise, I don’t give a shit about what other people think about us, or whether or not they know we’re together. All I need to know is that I love you and you love me. Then I’m happy.”
Kory looked up at Michelle again, this time without tears.
“That’s the first time you’ve said that you love me,” Kory said, sniffling, “romantically I mean.”
“I know sweetheart, and I mean it.”
“I’m sorry I overreacted. Everything seemed so much worse in that crowd.”
“It’s okay, Kor. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you with your anxiety. I know that must have been really scary.”
What Kory remembered about the attack was scary, but what had returned to her in her dreams was terrifying. Why was I hearing Lucy talking to me? She thought, but immediately brushed off the thought, not wanting to dwell on it any longer. “So did you get a chance to speak to the big boss?”
“I did!” Michelle said as she threw her hands in the air enthusiastically, the shoes in her hand nearly hitting the ceiling light. Kory loved how happy Michelle was all the time, and Kory was happy to know that Michelle was happy with her, but she still wanted that introduction with her hand in Michelle’s. “I got the job! I start next Monday.”
Kory smiled, but she could feel it not reach her eyes, there was too much on her mind, “I am so proud of you, darling!” She took Michelle’s face in her hands and placed her lips on hers. Michelle kissed her back briefly, but sat down in the nearest chair.
“I want to meet Lucy.”
Kory’s heart sank. The mention of Lucy brought back flooding memories of her delusions during her anxiety attack. “No baby. Lucy isn’t me, she’s just a tool I use at work. You don’t want to meet her.” She terrifies even me, Kory wanted to say, but instead, she put on another fake smile and said, “Besides, we should be celebrating.” Kory pulled Michelle into the bedroom, where they one again showed each other their souls.
